Awkward Advice is back!

In college, good advice is hard to come by, right? College students receive advice about how to pick a roommate, how to pick classes, and how to steer clear of the freshman 15. But what about all the other advice we need; more personal advice? Like whether a romantic relationship would be a good idea, what would I do if I got my girlfriend pregnant, or why do we fail a class after 3 absences if we are paying for it? Questions like these require another student’s input, not just another paid adult.  So if you have any awkward questions, email tms25@hood.edu with the subject line “awkward advice”.

– Awkward

Awkward Advice

Dear Awkward Advice,

I’m excited to be heading home for Christmas, but I have changed a lot since first coming to college. I’m not sure that my parents will understand. Is there a way I can ease my way into broaching the changes I’ve been through since coming to college?

Sincerely,

Every college kid ever

Dear Everybody

We have been getting this question a lot lately with the holidays coming around the corner. So, we thought we’d just write one letter to address all most of the changes that college kids go through during their first semester of college. How to tell your parents that:

You got something pierced or tattooed

This is probably going to be a bit of a tricky one to hide, unless you’re one of those people with one of those piercings or tats. I would put off showing your parents as long as possible. Honestly, they may never need to know. Strategically placed scarves, potted plants, or fruit bowls can hide any sort of piercing or tattoo if used properly. Thanksgiving is filled with props to use to block your face (or other body parts) from an unsuspecting relative who might object. Have fun with it!

You voted Libertarian

Politics are always a contentious issue, and they somehow always become a topic of conversation around the Thanksgiving table. (Especially after Uncle Carl has one to many glasses of hot apple wine, am I right?!) So, while your new found belief in minimizing the government to a point of non-existence and anarchy is important to you, I would only say those thoughts in an outrageous Australian accent. That way, people will think you’re kidding and laugh it off rather than assume you have gone to Hood and come back some sort of commie-pinko-weirdo. You can still share your thoughts and still have a peaceful holiday.

You’re gay

Coming out is all about proper timing, and preparing your family to hear the news. Go to Youtube and find every rendition of “Born this Way” and play them all on a loop for the entire weekend. By the time you’re about to head back to school, they will have been subliminally programmed to love homosexuals, dancing, and be 47% more likely to approve of someone wearing a meat dress. Trust us, we’ve done the research. Then, right before you leave, watch a clip of Ellen DeGeneres’ stand-up. If they laugh, you are golden. That’s the time to tell them. If not, we would wait and just write them a letter or direct message them on Twitter about it. Also, they should go to the doctor and make sure their funny bones are still intact.

Hope this helps.

Happy Holidays,

AA

If you really are having troubles with any of these issues, feel free to contact us at sma14@hood.edu or cas29@hood.edu for real talk about these sensitive issues.

Awkward Advice

 Dear Awkward Advice,

I have a problem. For a long time, I’ve been struggling with this issue in private, trying to make it not true, but I can’t hold it in any longer. I’m a sleepwalker. I have been bearing this burden in silence, trying to hide the fact that I would wake up in strange locations, often in various states of dress. But, I can’t hide it any longer. (Partly because I’m tired of living a lie and partly because my roommate caught me walking around the room clucking like a chicken wearing only a kimono.) Please help me Awkward Advice, you’re my only hope.

 

Truly,

Sleepless in Shriner

 

Dear Sleepless,

There is hope for you and thousands suffering from the same issue. You are not alone. In fact, I would suggest proposing an LLC to Student Life for people in your situation. It would be good for you to be in a community of like-sleeping individuals where you can communicate and really discuss your problems. Also, whenever you embark upon your nocturnal outings, you’ll have plenty of company to interact with as you cha-cha and chicken dance your way through your REM cycle. In the meantime, I suggest you let your roommate strap you down whenever it comes time to sleep. This solution can actually be beneficial in two-fold. Hey Lovestruck, you could use those restraints to make your Valentine’s night extra steamy!

 

Yours,

AA

Awkward Advice

Dear Awkward Advice,

I met this girl at a party and I got her digits. I was totally excited when I found out that there were seven of them this time and even more excited when she started to text me back. It was really fun at first, but she started to send me some messages that are pretty “Teen Nick”, and now I think we have to get married. I’m not really ready to take that step, but I don’t want to stop talking to her. Is there anything I can do?

Thanks,

Scared Sextless

Dear Sextless,

We’d like to give you the same advice that Ranier Maria Rilke gave Franz Kappus, a young cadet at the ViennaMilitaryAcademyin Letters to a Young Poet: “If you don’t dig those whack sexts, don’t feel like you need to send pictures of your dangle to keep yo girl on the line. That’s not good looks.” Though the language might be a bit stilted, we believe the message stands up today. If you don’t feel comfortable responding to those dirty messages, don’t do it. You don’t need to copy and paste sections of 50 Shades of Grey for this girl to be interested in you. Well, unless your personality sucks. In that case, you can get a copy in paperback for about $10.00 at a bookseller near you.

Truly,

AA

 

Dear Awkward Advice,

This weather is nuts. It’s sweater weather in the morning, but by noon when I’m out of class, I’m sweating through my cardigan. Do you have any advice for how to cope with this unpredictable weather?

Thanks,

Punxatawney Phail

Dear Punx,

The weather has been wildly unpredictable, but there are some simple steps to transition from the chilly morning into the toasty afternoons. First, invest in zip-offs. We’re not talking about only those pants that zip off into shorts. To deal with the wild changes in temperature, you’re going to need zip off shirts and underwear as well. Start the day off in pants, long sleeves, granny panties, and a cami. When the sun starts beaming down, you’re just four zips away from wearing a pair of shorts, a t-shirt, bra, and thong. You’re on your way to having fun in the sun. However, there is always the trouble of unwanted sweating regardless of how many changes you make to your wardrobe. In order to prevent that embarrassing course of events, Again, zip offs can come in handy. Simply add zippable patches strategically in your shirt, under your arms. When the days starts to heat up, just unzip the patches. Now, no one will be able to see your secret sweaty shame.

Truly,

AA

 

Awkward Advice from Stacey and Cassie

Dear Awkward Advice,

                I went to see Hunger Games at the midnight premiere! What an awesome movie! Team Peeniss, whoooo! Anyway, while watching the movie, I realized that I would not last long in the Games. I have absolutely no survival skills. Do you have any tips, so that I can be prepared given the inevitable eventuality thatAmericawill be split into districts and the youth of those districts will be pitted against each other in annual brutal gladiatorial battles to death for the entertainment of the ruling powers and wealthy minority? Just wondering. Btw, I totes love Awkward Advice! Team Cassie and Stacey!

Truly,

Should Have Tried Harder in PE

Dear Should Have,

This is a question that we’ve seen a lot since the hype about Hunger Games started. So, we decided to do some research and watch the movie. Upon cursory examination, we’ve discovered the key to surviving the Hunger Games. They’re nothing new; people have been employing them for years in middle schools and high schools all over the world. Step 1: Wear cool clothes. When Katniss and Peeta ride in on their chariots in those crazy cool duds, you knew they were at least 10 times cooler than everyone else in the arena. Step 2: Become friends with the athletic people. Just like in high school, the jocks were the douchebags. Oops, I meant to say cool kids. So, whether you’re in school or in Panem fighting for your life, stick with them and you’ll stay alive, at least for awhile. 3. Kiss boys. Peeta and Katniss were in pretty rough shape until she had a brainwave to give him a little smooch. Then she was sent medicine that saved Peeta’s life. What we can glean from this is that the most important way to survive in Panem is to just go around making out with a bunch of guys. Hopefully you’ll take these survival tactics under consideration. May the odds be ever in your favor.

Yours,

AA

Awkward Advice from Stacey and Cassie

Dear Awkward Advice,

There’s this guy in my history class who totally won’t leave me alone. On the first day of class, I came into class a bit late, and the only empty seat was next to him. So, I sat down and made polite chit-chat about something innocuous, like the weather, and now he thinks I like him. I definitely don’t. I was not trying to flirt. I was just trying to be nice and make it through the class. I’ve tried to tell him that I wasn’t interested in him, but I don’t think he gets it. How can I shake this guy?

            Truly,

Tryin’ to be Nice in Shriner

Dear Tryin’,

First of all, we can tell by your playful removal of the final “g” in that word, that you are just too likeable. This needs to stop immediately! If you really don’t want this guy to keep chasing after you, you will have to become the craziest, most undesirable person possible. Stop showering. Write notes displaying your strange, elaborate plans to contact alien visitors and perform scientific experiments on them. Be sure to draw a detailed diagram of your probe. Wear kitten sweaters every day. I don’t mean a sweater with screen printed kittens on it. I mean you should literally start tying baby cats to crew neck sweaters. Six kittens per sweater should be enough, depending on the size of each kitten, of course. We’ll leave that up to your discretion. After a week or two of sitting next to him in your cat sweater, smelling of urine, (which will totally happen if you fasten kittens to your body, sorry, but it needs to happen if this plan is to work) and planning a pseudo-sexual rendezvous with some Na’avi, he will forget all about his little crush. Or, he will be even more attracted to you. In that case, jump him immediately. If he can put up with that, he will accept any and all of your eccentricities. A man like that is definitely a keeper.

Yours,

AA

Dear Awkward Advice,

 I’ve really been hitting it off with this girl in my history class. I think she’s really into me. On the first day of class she spotted me from across the room and sat directly beside me. We talked for like fifteen minutes straight. We talked about the weather being unusually warm for February. She was totally flirting, right? I mean, what else could she mean when she said, “Yeah, I’m ready for spring to come here to stay,” if she didn’t mean the she’s ready for me to come over and spend the night with her? I think we really have something here. I’d like to take it to the next level, but she keeps putting off making plans with me and dodging my calls and texts. Do you think she’s playing hard to get?

            Truly,

            Confused in Coblentz

Dear Confused,

She’s most certainly playing hard to get. Keep chasing after her, the ladies love that. Try to find some common interests with her so that you have more to talk about. Start wearing clothes that will spark up a conversation. For instance, we’ve heard in last month’s German Vogue, they highlighted a really hot trend. Kitten sweaters. Try fastening kittens to your hoodie. Ladies love cats. You will be irresistible. Also, with all of those pheromones emanating off the cats, she’ll be drawn to you like a moth to a flame. I guarantee that after a few days, you won’t have just caught her attention, but you will be beating the ladies away with a stick! Or, if not, you can use the stick to keep the kittens in line. They tend to get angry when you tie them to articles of clothing. Trust us, we learned that the hard way. Though the play on words is almost too good to resist, Pussy Panties™ are definitely not the goldmine investment that we thought they would be.

Yours,

AA

 

Awkward Advice from Stacey and Cassie

Dear Awkward Advice,

            I have a problem. For a long time, I’ve been struggling with this issue in private, trying to make it not true, but I can’t hold it in any longer. I’m a sleepwalker. I have been bearing this burden in silence, trying to hide the fact that I would wake up in strange locations, often in various states of dress. But, I can’t hide it any longer. (Partly because I’m tired of living a lie and partly because my roommate caught me walking around the room clucking like a chicken wearing only a kimono. On my head.) Please help me Awkward Advice, you’re my only hope.

                        Truly,

                                    Sleepless in Shriner

Dear Sleepless,

            There is hope for you and thousands suffering from the same issue. You are not alone. In fact, I would suggest proposing an LLC to Student Life for people in your situation. It would be good for you to be in a community of like-sleeping individuals where you can communicate and really discuss your problems. Also, whenever you embark upon your nocturnal outings, you’ll have plenty of company to interact with as you cha-cha and chicken dance your way through your REM cycle. In the meantime, I suggest you let your roommate strap you down whenever it comes time to sleep. This solution can actually be beneficial in two-fold. Hey Lovestruck, you could use those restraints to make your Valentine’s night extra steamy!

                        Yours,

                                    AA

Dear Awkward Advice,

            My roommate keeps walking in on me while I’m having my “gentleman’s time.” It wouldn’t mind so much, but he doesn’t even knock before coming into the room, so I don’t have time to pretend I was sleeping or remove the belt from my neck. I just want some privacy! Is that too much to ask? What should I do?

                        Truly,

                                    Low-fivin’ in Meyran

Dear Low-Five,

            This is a problem that plagues many college students. Do not feel like you are the only one who’s been caught wrestling the one-eyed monster. It’s a very natural thing. Everybody does it. Well, almost everybody. All the cool kids anyway. There are a few preventative measures that you can take to make sure that your roommate will never suspect a thing. As you may have noticed, 85% of our advice has come solely from watching John Hughes movies. That being said, clearly you must buy an old Macintosh computer and rig it to a soundboard, and you can then create myriad sound effect compilations to simulate any situation that you would like your roommate to believe is going on in the room. So, he’ll walk in seeing you looking guilty with your right hand beneath the sheets, but he’ll hear a saxophone solo. So, clearly he will think you’re practicing your Kenny G impersonation. Awkward moment averted, problem solved, homage to brilliant Matthew Broderick vehicle executed successfully.

                        Yours,

                                    AA

Awkward Advice from Stacey and Cassie

Dear Awkward Advice,

Over the semester, I didn’t have the chance to watch much tv. During break, I had the entirety of Netflix at my disposal. I’ve watched every episode of 30 Rock, How I Met Your Mother, and Doctor Who available. Unfortunately, I’ve also watched some shows that have been cancelled. I got hooked. I kind of got addicted, and I am seriously jonesing for more episodes of Heroes. What should I do?

Truly,

Totally Tubed In

Dear Tubed In,

Go outside. Please.  Seriously, just… go outside.

Yours,

AA

Dear Awkward Advice,

Break has done nothing for my waistline. Between Christmas and New Years, I no longer have just a slight muffin top. Now my body is a muffin. Do you have any advice to help me lose those pesky lbs?

Truly,

Biggie Sized

Dear Biggie,

There are some tried and true ways to lose that winter weight. (Atkins, bowel cleanses, solid grapefruit diets, etc.). But, of course, these are not for everybody. Then there is the far less effective way – diet and exercise, but few people believe that hokum will actually work. I suggest procuring a tapeworm. It’s all the fun of eating without the unnecessary process of actually gaining any nutrients from it at all. Trust me; you’ll be swimsuit ready by spring. Well, that, or dead. Just swallow a tiny little tapeworm with roughly 8 oz. of your favorite beverage. Works like a charm! Tapeworms can be found in a black market near you or in the undercooked meat in your favorite third world country.

Yours,

AA

Dear Awkward Advice,

 I just finished my first semester in college and boy was it one hell of an experience. I’ve made amazing friends, I have a wonderful boyfriend, I’ve been sick countless times, and I even experienced the college workload. Being a college student isn’t an easy task, classes were rough. I know I am not the only one (being a freshmen) who had a rough semester, but I was wondering, what is the best SERIOUS advice you can give someone when it comes to a new start in the spring???

Sincerely,

JustWondering@Hood

Dear JustWondering@Hood,

New starts in the spring are easy peasy lemon squeezy because it is a new year!  For all your fellow classmates know, you can come back a completely new person.  Brand new.  So new, that your amazing friends and boyfriend might not even know that it’s you.  Starting new best begins with a change about a physical attribute.  Try a new haircut, a new piercing, a tattoo that says “Mom” on your arm, or plastic surgery.  That would def lead to a new start for the spring.  Next, adapt a new attitude.  If you were really sweet last semester, become a BAMF.  Everyone secretly wants to become a BAMF.  Basically, the Spring semester is always tougher than the fall.  Spring Fever tends to affect the masses.  Everyone would rather romp around the quad then open up a text book.  Without a new look and attitude, you may be lost out there.

Yours,

AA

Dear Awkward Advice,

Hi!  My friend’s birthday is coming up and I have no idea what to get him!  Obviously, I am a college student, and money does not grow on trees.  What good gift ideas do you have for a person that has a wallet the size of a pea?

Thanks,

NeedtoImpress

Dear NeedtoImpress,

Everyone has this problem come up every now and again.  Me personally, I just get everyone the same gifts every year.  I think my dad has twenty striped ties in his drawer, and my mom has twenty snow globes on her dresser.  My best friend since third grade has 11 bracelets that say “Best Friend” on them.  Are these people impressed by this—no.  But I present stability, and that is important to.  Since this seems like a very important birthday- try to get your friend something lasting- like a lawn mower or a hammer or a sock puppet.  Just make sure it comes from the heart!

Yours,

AA

 

Awkward Advice with Stacey and Cassie

Dear Awkward Advice,

I have a really awesome, sweet, loving boyfriend. There is only one problem: he’s always rearing to get some action! It’s getting troublesome. While I’m in the shower, doing homework, in the dining hall, and even in the pergola. What are some things I can do to turn him off when I need to do things?

From,

SexStuffed

 

Dear SexStuffed,

As someone coming from the other side of this problem, I think I have some great advice. The person I’m dating now only wants to get intimate like, once or twice a day. Crazy, right? It’s like she thinks I’m a sex camel! I can’t handle it. However, she does attempt to help me out by doing certain things to cool my jets. For instance, she recites Carrot Top’s stand up routine ad nauseam. It’s almost like she waits until I’m rip-roaring to go, then begins to inform me about the “fascinating” history of the Keebler Company or whatever History Channel special was on the night before. But, her a-bomb in the boudoir, that is guaranteed to turn me off and make me close my legs tighter than a hipster’s jeans is this: She sings Justin Bieber to me at the top of her lungs. Despite The Biebs being the newest lesbian pop culture icon, the sound of those lyrics in that incessantly catchy tune gets me from hot to trot to totally grossed out in 30 seconds flat. Try these things the next time your guy is looking for some loving. *Warning, if the Justin Bieber serenade does still does not dissuade your guy from coming at you, tell him to give you a break and hit up his boyfriend for some loving.

 

Dear Awkward Advice,

Hi!  I have a problem of unrequited love.  There is a girl in my chemistry class who is amazing!  Smart, beautiful, funny. So many other guys want to court her, and I am afraid they will beat me to it. However, whenever I get close to her I just lose my train of thought! I can’t say anything intelligent at all! In fact, usually when I am around her I just don’t speak. What should I do?

Hopeless Romantic

 

Dear Hopeless Romantic,

It is perfectly natural for you to get what we call “the heebie-jeebies” before you talk to the girl of your dreams. It’s happened to the best of us. Did you know that George Washington was petrified to talk to Martha Washington before they started dating? It’s true. And then he worked up the courage to say hi. And then he became the first president of theUnited States. See, everything starts with a small step!  Awkward Advice suggests to either say a witty pick-up line (“If I was the alphabet, I would put U and I together”) or the very popular “Hey, what a cute shirt!”  However, most girls like to see guys who are both in control of the situation and sincere gentlemen at the same time.  Hope it all works out!

 

Dear Awkward Advice,

I am worried about heading home for the holidays. I don’t know if I can spend over a month at home with my sisters and extended family when I am so used to being at school. What should I do?

Holiday Jitters

 

Dear Jitters,

Don’t worry! Just eat a lot during the holidays and enter a giant food coma. If you do this correctly, the food coma should wear off right when you are supposed to come back to school.

 

Awkward Advice from Stacey and Cassie

Dear Awkward Advice,

I’ve been hanging out with this girl for a few weeks now, and we’ve been keeping it pretty casual. I’m worried that she might see me as only a friend, though. Is there a way that I can step out of the friend zone and show her that I want to be something more?

~Wishing I had those moves like Jagger

Dear Wishing,

This is a problem that a lot of people struggle with. Making the transition from hanging out to “hanging out” is a delicate process and should be treated with great care and contemplation, for sure. We suggest taking her out to a movie. That’s where the magic happens. First, when you sit down in the movie theater, make sure to sit in the very front, so you won’t be able to see the screen at all. That way you won’t really have to watch the movie, if you know what we mean. Then, cut a small hole in the bottom of the popcorn bucket, about the size of your wrist. So, when she reaches in to grab some popcorn she’ll grab hold of your hand instead. Amidst that tub of salty and buttery goodness, your romance will begin. With your other arm, feel free to pull out the old “yawn and reach”, but with a twist that even M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of. Instead of reaching around her shoulder, reach into her right pocket and grab her phone. With her phone, text your phone, “Lol, u r so cute, will u  go out w/  me?” Respond back on your phone, or, if you’re more daring, just whisper, “You had me at lol,” into her ear and kiss her passionately, just like in everybody’s favorite rom com, Jerry Macguire. I assure you that after a sweet movie like that, she’s sure to take you out of the friend zone and start to show you the money.

Dear Awkward Advice,

I’m faced with a rather tricky problem.  I am still a virgin and I don’t know what to do about it.  I want to have sex, but I just don’t want to randomly lose my virginity and regret it.  It’s so frustrating!!!!  Any suggestion?

-Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Never fear!  This is a problem that, believe it or not, everyone goes through at one time or another.  It might seem inconceivable, but at one time, everyone starts out as a virgin.  Your parents were once virgins, your friends were once virgins (and might still be), your professors were once virgins, your fish were once virgins, etc.  Virginity, in terms of an analogy, is like a plaid blazer from Express.  Some might scoff at it, some might idolize it, some might toss it away, some might put it in a corner and forget about it… the list can go on and on and on.  The important thing to remember is that the decision to lose your virginity is just that: your decision!  Don’t feel pressure from others to just have sex.  At the end of the day, just see what is most comfortable for you, and, importantly, disregard the copious sexual innuendos in those classic Disney films.

Dear Awkward Advice,

I appreciate the question that you posted a few weeks ago about adding hot sauce to the dining hall food. I’ve been using the hot sauce for the past week now, and my taste buds have singed off into an ashen mess.  Do you have any other advice to spice up the dining hall food?

~Disappointed Diner

Dear Disappointed,

Thanks for reading! Here at AA we have some great ideas to help you out. Warning: All of our recipes involve using the panini maker, because we have been eating paninis nonstop since it arrived, well, at least Cassie has. Please wear the appropriate oven mitts and be sure to bring your own heat resistant spatula before attempting any of these recipes, because that panini press is made up of two plates of solid Hellfire. If you touch either of them, your fingers will melt faster than a Nazi in an Indian Jones movie. One of our favorite treats in the morning is a breakfast sandwich. You can make your own and add your personal panache to this breakfast staple. First, take a bagel and toast it lightly in the toaster, or, if you like, you can butter it lightly, place both halves butts-up on the panini press and toast it that way. Then, grab some ham from the sandwich bar and place it on the press. Grill to your preference, salt to taste. Then, you can pile some scrambled eggs, cheese, and the ham atop your freshly toasted bagel. Grill the entire confection until the cheese is melted, and voila! You have a beautifully crafted breakfast sandwich. If you wish to be even fancier (Or, if you really just want to make the next person in line for the panini press even madder as they wait nine hours for you to complete this sandwich) consider grilling some red peppers or onions to add in as well!