Dear Awkward Advice,
I’ve been hanging out with this girl for a few weeks now, and we’ve been keeping it pretty casual. I’m worried that she might see me as only a friend, though. Is there a way that I can step out of the friend zone and show her that I want to be something more?
~Wishing I had those moves like Jagger
This is a problem that a lot of people struggle with. Making the transition from hanging out to “hanging out” is a delicate process and should be treated with great care and contemplation, for sure. We suggest taking her out to a movie. That’s where the magic happens. First, when you sit down in the movie theater, make sure to sit in the very front, so you won’t be able to see the screen at all. That way you won’t really have to watch the movie, if you know what we mean. Then, cut a small hole in the bottom of the popcorn bucket, about the size of your wrist. So, when she reaches in to grab some popcorn she’ll grab hold of your hand instead. Amidst that tub of salty and buttery goodness, your romance will begin. With your other arm, feel free to pull out the old “yawn and reach”, but with a twist that even M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of. Instead of reaching around her shoulder, reach into her right pocket and grab her phone. With her phone, text your phone, “Lol, u r so cute, will u go out w/ me?” Respond back on your phone, or, if you’re more daring, just whisper, “You had me at lol,” into her ear and kiss her passionately, just like in everybody’s favorite rom com, Jerry Macguire. I assure you that after a sweet movie like that, she’s sure to take you out of the friend zone and start to show you the money.
Dear Awkward Advice,
I’m faced with a rather tricky problem. I am still a virgin and I don’t know what to do about it. I want to have sex, but I just don’t want to randomly lose my virginity and regret it. It’s so frustrating!!!! Any suggestion?
Never fear! This is a problem that, believe it or not, everyone goes through at one time or another. It might seem inconceivable, but at one time, everyone starts out as a virgin. Your parents were once virgins, your friends were once virgins (and might still be), your professors were once virgins, your fish were once virgins, etc. Virginity, in terms of an analogy, is like a plaid blazer from Express. Some might scoff at it, some might idolize it, some might toss it away, some might put it in a corner and forget about it… the list can go on and on and on. The important thing to remember is that the decision to lose your virginity is just that: your decision! Don’t feel pressure from others to just have sex. At the end of the day, just see what is most comfortable for you, and, importantly, disregard the copious sexual innuendos in those classic Disney films.
Dear Awkward Advice,
I appreciate the question that you posted a few weeks ago about adding hot sauce to the dining hall food. I’ve been using the hot sauce for the past week now, and my taste buds have singed off into an ashen mess. Do you have any other advice to spice up the dining hall food?
Thanks for reading! Here at AA we have some great ideas to help you out. Warning: All of our recipes involve using the panini maker, because we have been eating paninis nonstop since it arrived, well, at least Cassie has. Please wear the appropriate oven mitts and be sure to bring your own heat resistant spatula before attempting any of these recipes, because that panini press is made up of two plates of solid Hellfire. If you touch either of them, your fingers will melt faster than a Nazi in an Indian Jones movie. One of our favorite treats in the morning is a breakfast sandwich. You can make your own and add your personal panache to this breakfast staple. First, take a bagel and toast it lightly in the toaster, or, if you like, you can butter it lightly, place both halves butts-up on the panini press and toast it that way. Then, grab some ham from the sandwich bar and place it on the press. Grill to your preference, salt to taste. Then, you can pile some scrambled eggs, cheese, and the ham atop your freshly toasted bagel. Grill the entire confection until the cheese is melted, and voila! You have a beautifully crafted breakfast sandwich. If you wish to be even fancier (Or, if you really just want to make the next person in line for the panini press even madder as they wait nine hours for you to complete this sandwich) consider grilling some red peppers or onions to add in as well!